This question came in regarding a couple who is active in the swinging lifestyle. I will post excerpts from the question as the entire submission is rather lengthy.
We both have a mutual interest in the swinging scene and have been doing research on booking an exotic swingers vacation. All was going well, until he threw a question my way , which was “What if one day on vacation, I was out alone and a girl came up to me and wanted to do it with me, what would you expect me to do?” I was quite upset with that question.
Prior to his question I was under the assumption it was him and me together, as a couple, basically anthing goes sexually, as long as we do/or watch “the anything” together. I told him I was very upset with what he asked and that he ruined the whole trust thing we had going.
Besides the obvious, my instincts are telling me that he put his foot in his mouth and pushed his luck, trying to see how he could get away with it.
Really could use some advice on this. This argument between us has been going on for a month and I do not see an easy fix to this.
Reply:
I would assume by the context of your question, that you guys are fairly new to the swinging scene. This is an issue that comes up A LOT with newer couples. If you aren’t newer I apologize for assuming as much. The key to maintaining a successful relationship or marriage while being a swinger, is communication. Without open communication one or both will fail. It is understandable to feel a bit confused by a question, and wonder if there is a hidden meaning. However if you want to remain active in the lifestyle, and hold together a successful marriage, both parties must be able to ask and answer question openly and objectively without the other feeling persecuted for asking.
There are different levels of swinging included within the lifestyle. Everything from soft-swap same room only, all the way up to wining and dining as a single. We have met couples in the lifestyle, who are only there to learn. To see what it is all about. We have also met couples who play alone, whenever the mood strikes. They don’t consider it a fling, or cheating because it is an open trusting relationship which they have discussed. Communication. When we started in the lifestyle we had a TON of rules, and we played together ONLY. Within our first 2 years of being active, our rules changed, as does every ones typically. Not everyone will go from one extreme to another, but many couples may go from same bed only, to same room only. Small changes. This may be what your husband had in mind by asking. Getaways such as Hedo, do get pretty wild, and most couples there are fairly open to playtime. It’s not a huge orgy as soon as you hit the beach, however, I wouldn’t be surprised if an opportunity would present itself for either, or both of you, to play solo.
With that being said I would like to say, in the most respectful way possible, I think your husband may have been being honest with you. I think you may be reading a bit more into it than needs to be. Of course, this is from an outsider perspective that knows nothing about your relationship status as a couple. From a swinger status, I think this is an important question. It helps with laying out ground rules, and such. We have asked each other this same question in the past, and neither of us took it as offensive. It helped establish ground rules, as well as change our rules as time went on.
If a couple joins the lifestyle with the intention of only playing together, that is fine. That is GREAT! However the communication door must still remain open at all times. I don’t think your husband is actually looking for a fling, I think he may be asking for more clarification on the rules that you have as a couple. A lot of people have different rules. A lot of people have rules I never thought would exist. I have heard of rules that couples can play with strangers if they are in a different zip code. I have heard about couples who have an open door policy at Hedo, but play together only when back home. There are SO many rules that people set and make up on the spot. I think your husband is being truthful with you in just finding a standing ground, so that he doesn’t cheat on you unknowingly, by assuming it would be ok to play solo at a getaway.
The last tip I can give you, and this is completely unsolicited. The lifestyle is about trust. Without it, you will just be miserable. You have to be able to trust each other to make the right decision. That decision can ONLY be made if a set of rules are in place. Rules come through open communication, without persecution. Communication, Trust, and Ground Rules. If you have the 3 of these, you will have a much more enjoyable experience in the lifestyle!